Third best thing I’ve ever done

When people ask me about divorce, I usually reply with something a little edgy. Recently I’ve been responding: 

Me: “Divorce, third best thing I’ve ever done.”

What invariably follows is: 

Them: "What are the first two things?”

Me: “The first, by far, is having kids.”

Them: “Fair enough, so what’s number two?”

Me: “The second, is getting married.”

This stops people in their tracks. People often give me a confused look after I report my number two. But if divorce is the third best thing, how can marriage be number two? Aren't valuing those two things mutually incompatible? I get humans hold cognitively dissonant ideas remarkably well, but come on Mike, what gives? 

I would argue that valuing the marriage AND valuing its ending are not antithetical. We humans construct narratives about past experiences. It's how we assign meaning and simplify extremely complicated events such as the course of a career or the arc of a marriage. When I look back at my marriage I try to look at the whole relationship in its entirety. That's 11 years, not including the 7 years of dating. That's a long fucking time. Humans were made, loved ones died, major events altered the course of both of our lives multiple times. I learned so much about myself during those years and grew in positive character defining ways. I would not be the same person now as I am without it, and I really like who I am. 

I think this insight of seeing the nuanced good AND bad of a relationship is a key to the emotional healing and to making meaning out of the suffering you inevitably endured during the later part of the marriage. You had a marriage. Now that marriage is ending. Now it's up to you how you construct the narrative of that marriage. Yes, like most people you can narrate it as a horrible experience that was intrinsically negative and thoroughly tainted by the event's that led to its ultimate demise. But be warned. If you construct this narrative you suffer more and your likelihood of being doomed to repeat the same patterns of interpersonal interaction in a future relationship go up exponentially. Why? Because you really haven't gained any insight into what happened. You haven't honesty and accurately assessed the events, thus you gain no understanding and no growth. You have deprived yourself the opportunity to change for the better.

The alternative is to try to see the marriage for what it was, a very deep, complicated, nuanced, and personal relationship that is now ending. If you can hold in mind both the good and bad parts of the marriage then you can learn, you can grow, and you can evolve into a better person. Adopting this viewpoint alleviated me of the need to share a common narrative with my partner and greatly diminished the desire to seek justice for perceived wrongs. It liberated me from the prolonged tangle of emotional attachment that I see so many men suffer in the wake of a divorce.

For me this insight was also key in allowing me to successfully transition into a co-parenting relationship with my former partner. While I no longer wanted to be married to my partner, I also didn't have to villainize her. I can see her for who she is, a flawed but beautiful person who is trying to make it through this world in the best way she knows how. This is someone I can work with, a base from where I can generate the trust and respect needed to coordinate and execute common goals for the kids. It's clear from data that how well you and your partner navigate the severing of your relationship is directly proportional to the stress and emotional damage your kids experience. So it became very clear to me that if I was willing to die for my kids, that I sure as shit better be willing to let me ego die so that my kids can come through this event better.

So, just like I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone I loved, I also wouldn't wish a divorce on anyone I loved. The process fucking sucks. But to expand the analogy, cancer survivors often report an appreciation for having the experiences they have had because they developed a much deeper appreciation for life. I think we can take a similar approach to divorce and how we frame the marriage that was.